Ask Eliot Greebee

	Dear Eliot: My father recently adopted your CUTLAS system and I am disappointed to see how his health has gone downhill since. He has been staying up all hours of the night watching who knows what, drinking bottle after bottle of wine. He wakes up grumpy, sleep deprived and smokes nearly two packs a day. This Life Unit thing has him WASTING his life away. Surely this isn't what you meant to do. Please give my father some encouraging advice. Sincerely A Worried Daughter
	Dear Worried Daughter: Thank you for your email. My advice to your father is simple: you are well on your way to changing and improving your life. Continue on the path you are on. As for you, it seems to me that you are the one with the problem here. I suggest you channel your energies away from unnecessary meddling into other people's lives. Are you doing what YOU want, whenever you want? Perhaps there are some deep seated hidden desires that you are harboring. What are you waiting for?
	Dear Eliot: I have a roommate who is a slob. He leaves his dirty socks all over the apartment, moldy dishes on top of the TV, and if I want to know where the remote is, I have to hide it. Sure, he's saving life units, but what about me? F. Whitmore Baltimore, MD
	Dear Sir/Madam: What about you? You need to ask yourself what your innermost desires are, no matter how dark (and possibly violent) they may be, and not waste any more time before acting upon them.
	Dear Eliot: I've been in graduate school for the last 11 years and I am about to complete my PhD. Do I really have to find a job? J. Falwith New York, NY
	Dear Sir/Madam: 11 years? What a shocking waste of time.
	Dear Eliot: The CUTLAS system sounds enticing, but giving up brushing my teeth every day to save a few measly life units doesn't sound worth it--I have a deep-seated fear of gingivitis that I can't seem to knock. I want to start saving a big steaming heap of life units NOW: any suggestions? D.S. Bethesda, MD
	Dear Sir/Madam: I appreciate your dilemma. Might I suggest you begin your implementation of CUTLAS slowly. Try brushing your teeth six times a week for two weeks at first, for example. Then five times a week, and so on. Hope this suggestion is helpful.
	Dear Eliot: Do you have any recommendations on how your method may be used on pets? M. Prentiss Omaha, NE
	Dear Sir/Madam: I am not sure if your question is serious or not, but I will attempt to answer it nonetheless. Pets are an unnecessary attachment, and they will most certainly die sooner than later. In addition, the time spent to adequately care for such beasts seems to me to be quite a waste of life units.
	Mr. Greebee: Are you the same Eliot Greebee that's involved in the personal injury suit with Fox 5 Problem Solvers Camera Man Waldo Stevens? G.M. Secaucus, NJ
	Dear Sir/Madam: Due to pending litigation, I am sorry that I am unable to answer this question. If I were able to answer it, I would point out that Waldo Stevens may not live long enough for the pending suit to be resolved.
	Dear Eliot: I work as a librarian at a small community college. I've only recently been able to admit to myself that the life that I've lived until now has been largely unfulfilling--I've never married, I take care of my ailing mother, and the biggest thrill I've experienced in the last five years was the "Murder She Wrote" marathon held recently on the TBS Super Station. Your book arrived at our institution just last week, and I must say some of the hedonistic practices it advocates hold some appeal. Although I'd love to fit some of these admittedly orgiastic practices into my daily routine, I'm worried that this may affect my work. (We use the Library of Congress subject headings, and I'm afraid they're not quite as forgiving as the Dewey Decimal System.) J. Slater Inverness, CA
	Dear Sir/Madam: I am not sure what your question is, since, technically, you have not posed one. However, your dilemma is not an uncommon one. You sound like an ideal candidate for using CUTLAS. Please email me again with your age, gender and a photograph. I would be most interested in personally assisting you as you begin to change and improve your life.
	Mr. Greebee: I am deeply disturbed by your book. Your charts are all well and good, but what about the Afterlife Chart, eh? How about comparing an eternity of bliss to unending hellfire and damnation for all time, eh? They might both be infinite, but one's going to feel a heck of a lot longer, what with the hot spikes and rock-pushing and mining and I suspect smelting and subjecting privates to the unspeakable vs. bathing in the Great Spirit's love in fragrant and verdant cloud-like areas? Where's your chart for that, eh? J.E. Gumm Calvert City, GA
	Dear Sir/Madam: I can count only one accuracy in your email. Namely, you are deeply disturbed. Other than suggesting you attend one of my seminars, there is not much hope for you, not that I care.

If you've got questions about how CUTLAS can improve your life, if you've got problems and don't know where to turn, if you simply want to be told what to do, send your questions to Eliot Greebee, the creator of CUTLAS, c/o eliot@greebee.com:

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Send your questions to Eliot Greebee at eliot@greebee.com.